Learning to Hold My Door Open — Rian Ratnavale
At its core, my journey has always been about self-validation.
I never really struggled or noticed my mental health in high school, but I’ve always been someone who’s struggled with where they stand with others as well as with loving myself. It was anything but easy for me to watch my peers around me get perfect grades and get into the schools of their dreams, while I got rejected from 15 of the 17 colleges I applied to, and asked 8 girls to prom before someone felt bad and said yes.
And when I came here, that didn’t really change. First semester, I thought I had everything under control, loving everything about Michigan, and something finally went my way for my confidence: for the first time in my life, everything was falling into place with someone I genuinely liked. If it worked out, that meant I was worth it to someone.
But just as quickly as that built up, it came crashing down for reasons I couldn’t control. To people that know the kind of validation and love a relationship brings, I imagine it might take a calculated period of controlled coping before you realize that someone wasn’t the right person, and move on. But I’ve never felt that, and still never have. Whatever that was, was the best thing that happened to me, and it took seconds to realize that it was a mirage at best.
I’ll never forget that visceral sense of helplessness when I came to terms with that reality. I kicked, I screamed, I cried until I blacked out. And the coming days weren’t any better — I didn’t leave my fittingly gray-sheeted Twin XL West Quad bed for a week, and felt nothing but worthlessness. Therapy and mental health help seemed like a lost cause to me. I still struggle with this idea of self-love. I’ve changed my clothes 20 times in a single day until I feel OK, and every mirror or reflective surface I walk past has become a completely inescapable opportunity to evaluate and break myself down. Every single job rejection or lay-off, every time a person that I hold dear to me leaves, it hurts more than I can ever convey to any of them. Even the amazing friendships I have,I live in constant fear that I’ll lose them, no matter how incredible they are.
I recognize, though, that it’s all a journey. Things that are out of my control, as much as I have to remind myself, don’t reflect on me. But I can hold on to myself, and THAT is valid, no matter what anyone says. A friend once told me “Don’t worry about the people or things that lock the door on you, but hug the ones that hold the door open for you on the rainiest day.” WSN has undoubtedly been that, helping me find a relentlessly supportive and validating community, and unearth a passion for psychology and wellness that I never knew I had in me. Claire, Cate, Maggie, Tiger, Rachel, Courtney, Anne — what I’ve learned from leading group with you all has been as valuable as anything I’ve learned in a class here. Michael, Courtney, Liadan, thank you for being my rocks freshman year.
Seeing a therapist, despite what I told myself in that freshman year bed, has paid off, many, many times over. There’s no telling when or how I would’ve recognized my anxiety or the healthy coping mechanisms I now have without that help. Michigan as a whole does a good job of de-stigmatizing mental health issues, but if you’re reading this and are even slightly discouraged about seeking some kind of help, don’t cheat yourself from the you that you deserve to be and feel. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and affordability levels.
And to Kate, Matt, Muskaan, Lacey, Mia, Carina, Jonathan, and every other friend that knows I have a special place in my heart for them, you guys remind me every day that the person I deserve to be is still genuinely, and uniquely, me. Through all of my ups and downs, you fill up the other half of my glass.
But with everything, good and bad, I’ve found power to hold my own door open too.
