Always at Home — Ketan Revankar
In many ways, this past year has been amazing, full of growth and fun experiences. I would be lying if I said my first year here at college wasn’t enjoyable and transformative in all of the right ways. But the complete truth is it came alongside its fair share of challenges too.
Throughout the entire year and into this summer, I have lived with stubbornly chronic back pain, and more recently, endured frustrating vocal strain. I’ve gone through periods of feeling overstretched by the demands of school and everything else in my life. At times, it has been back-breaking (literally) to muster up the strength to keep moving forward.
And despite the difficulty I knew I was having, I would frequently criticize and demand more from myself. I would beat myself up, telling myself I’m not a good friend, I’m a lazy student, I’m weak for being affected so much by my back and foot pain. I needed to do more. Be funnier. I was always doing something wrong. Which only compounded what I was going through.
But eventually, I started to realize that being unrelentingly hard on myself wasn’t helping me, or anyone else. I was choosing to remain blind to everything good about myself, and was withholding kindness from myself right when I needed it most. So, I started making the conscious decision to be kind to myself when I was in pain, to do what I needed to take care of my health, and to recognize all the amazing parts of myself that weren’t contingent on others’ opinions of me. And almost immediately, life began to flow a little smoother. I wasn’t getting in my own way or putting myself down when I should have been supporting myself. I suddenly had a supportive friend with me at all times, one who understood me inside out — because he was me. And though being kind and supportive to myself is still a work-in-progress, I understand now that it’s not some glorified ideal that people just say is important. It’s a necessary ingredient for living a more emotionally stable life, every day.
It was from these struggles that this poem was inspired. It represents the way I want to treat myself from here on out — with kindness, understanding, and acceptance. And as you read it to yourself, I hope you find something that resonates within you as well.
Always At Home
Darling,
When you are scared, come into my arms
Let me hold you just as you are
Let me show you everything you do right
Show that your ‘weakness’ is really your might
I know you don’t like yourself sometimes
I know you wish you didn’t think or feel as you do
I know it’s not easy being you
But no matter how many wrong turns you take
Know you are defined by more than your mistakes
I see you struggle, my friend
I see you fight against the waves
Searching for the joy your heart so desperately crave
I see your soul pleading you to rest
So please, give yourself time; your life is not a test
Can you see, my dear?
On your hardest days, your loneliest nights
When you still felt dark after turning on the lights
I was always there beside you
And of your worth, I will always remind you
So, please remember
The next time you beat yourself up
Know that you are, and always have been, enough
And the next time you feel like you’re all alone
Put my hand on your heart, and know that you are always at home.
